Yuheng did a good job in writing his first draft of WA2. His essay is well-organized, accompanied with clearly elaborated arguments and counterarguments. His thesis statement “… although some people oppose such a method, there is some evidence which indicates that this is not a good way to combat global warming…” clearly expressed his view on the injection of sulfur particles to cool the planet.
In addition, his introduction paragraph gives a brief yet detailed background of the issue to be discussed, with a question as food for thought. Usage of transition words further enables the paragraphs to be linked smoothly to one another and prevent “breakage” between paragraphs.
On the other hand, Yuheng can probably improve on his paragraphing to improve the presentation of his essay. Some paragraphs are slightly too lengthy which may cause readers to lose their interest while reading halfway.
Moreover, some of his rebuttals can be further elaborated if not most of the content will seem to be focused only on research of SRM. I would advice Yuheng to provide more supporting facts to make his essay more interesting and sounding. I would also like to advice him to edit the part regarding the cost of SRM as he did not give a clear stand on whether SRM is deemed cheap or not.
In a nutshell, this is a good draft with some minor editing to be taken care of.
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Response to peer review from ZhaoHong(posted by Song Yuheng)
ReplyDeleteThanks for Zhao Hong's advice.I agree that some of the paragraphs are too long. I will try to make them shorter.
For the second problem, I will try to show it clearer that cost for research is a part of cost for SRM and the cost is high. That is why I am saying SRM indeed cost much. In addition, I add some transition words to make my opinions clearer.
Again thanks for Zhao Hong's advice.