Response to Jia yue’s Peer Review(Post by Song Yuheng)

Thank for Jia yue’s advices. I have taken some of her advices.
First of all, I added some punctuation after the transition words. Then I used the APA to quote some of the information which I get from some materials.
However, I did not agree with her that I should add some deeper arguments in the last paragraph. Because all the arguments need some facts to prove that it is true. Since it is the last paragraph there should be no examples. Therefore I do not think some deeper arguments should be added to the last paragraph.
In addition when I was editing my 1st draft I also found that my vocabulary was poor. Thus maybe I should do something to enlarge my vocabulary.
Again thanks for Jia yue’s comments on my first draft.